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Monday, 3 August 2009
Sampa Site: Bethybopsandco: Funnies
Ladies and their Mercedes
By Beth Sheerin on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:57:30 GMT
Two ladies were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Lady #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Lady #2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Old Mans Interview at Wal-Mart
By Beth Sheerin on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:35:47 GMT
The Old Man's Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Wal-Mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny.
Smelly Bride
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 13:05:53 GMT
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell again so brides
carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Buried Alive
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 13:04:51 GMT
England was old and small and the local folks
started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and take the bones
to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would tie a string to the wrist of the corpse,
lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(The Graveyard Shift) to listen for the bell:
thus someone could be "saved by the bell" or
be considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the truth! Whoever said that history was boring??
Blonde Police Officer
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:54:38 GMT
Blonde Police Officer
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Random Seagull Joke
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:53:45 GMT
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels
Comments
By Ellen on Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:01:42 GMT (http://www.gothicangelrocks.sampasite.com)
Haha. Haha haha. Killing myself! No really, how funny! -Gothic Angel (well, Ellen)
The Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man
Hungry.
Sleepy.
Lots of Work
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:51:06 GMT
Why I Am So Tired!!!
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired,
which leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
which leaves 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
preoccupied with killing Bin Laden,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people
who work for state and city governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
which leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.
As of today, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves JUST TWO PEOPLE to do the work...
YOU and ME!!
And there you are sitting on your butt,
at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...
Dumbass Joke
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:48:58 GMT
The Lost Dr. Seuss Tongue Twister
See if you can do this.
Read each line aloud:
-------------------------------------
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Comments
By Shravaree on Sun, 07 Dec 2008 17:01:55 GMT
That is so clever
Redneck 911 Call
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:46:50 GMT
Redneck 911 Call
A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
BIG SMILEY FACE!
By on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 11:22:00 GMT
Keep saying no... trust me...
http://www.funnies.com/goofy.htm
Rude Customer
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 10:16:26 GMT
How to Treat a Rude Customer
An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Pre-Halloween
By Beth Sheerin on Sat, 18 Oct 2008 19:22:15 GMT
Thanks for dropping in...
It's that time of year again...
It's time to go batty!
Time to let out your mean streak!
Whether you're into RAP...
or WITCH ever way you like to do it...
it doesn't really matter
as long as you're having fun!
So, ARRRRRR ye havin' fun yet?
Don't get spooked...
You're doing
The Monster Mash!
It's a graveyard smash!
Everybody join in now!
Thanks for joining us at the
Funnies.com Monster Mash!
By Beth Sheerin on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:57:30 GMT
Two ladies were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Lady #1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Lady #2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Old Mans Interview at Wal-Mart
By Beth Sheerin on Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:35:47 GMT
The Old Man's Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Wal-Mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny.
Smelly Bride
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 13:05:53 GMT
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell again so brides
carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Buried Alive
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 13:04:51 GMT
England was old and small and the local folks
started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and take the bones
to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would tie a string to the wrist of the corpse,
lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(The Graveyard Shift) to listen for the bell:
thus someone could be "saved by the bell" or
be considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the truth! Whoever said that history was boring??
Blonde Police Officer
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:54:38 GMT
Blonde Police Officer
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over.
The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Random Seagull Joke
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:53:45 GMT
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels
Comments
By Ellen on Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:01:42 GMT (http://www.gothicangelrocks.sampasite.com)
Haha. Haha haha. Killing myself! No really, how funny! -Gothic Angel (well, Ellen)
The Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man
Hungry.
Sleepy.
Lots of Work
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:51:06 GMT
Why I Am So Tired!!!
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired,
which leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
which leaves 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
preoccupied with killing Bin Laden,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people
who work for state and city governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
which leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.
As of today, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves JUST TWO PEOPLE to do the work...
YOU and ME!!
And there you are sitting on your butt,
at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...
Dumbass Joke
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:48:58 GMT
The Lost Dr. Seuss Tongue Twister
See if you can do this.
Read each line aloud:
-------------------------------------
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Comments
By Shravaree on Sun, 07 Dec 2008 17:01:55 GMT
That is so clever
Redneck 911 Call
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:46:50 GMT
Redneck 911 Call
A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
BIG SMILEY FACE!
By on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 11:22:00 GMT
Keep saying no... trust me...
http://www.funnies.com/goofy.htm
Rude Customer
By Beth Sheerin on Sun, 19 Oct 2008 10:16:26 GMT
How to Treat a Rude Customer
An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Pre-Halloween
By Beth Sheerin on Sat, 18 Oct 2008 19:22:15 GMT
Thanks for dropping in...
It's that time of year again...
It's time to go batty!
Time to let out your mean streak!
Whether you're into RAP...
or WITCH ever way you like to do it...
it doesn't really matter
as long as you're having fun!
So, ARRRRRR ye havin' fun yet?
Don't get spooked...
You're doing
The Monster Mash!
It's a graveyard smash!
Everybody join in now!
Thanks for joining us at the
Funnies.com Monster Mash!
Sampa's Closing
SAMPA'S CLOSING DOWN!!!
My Sampa site; bethsheerin.sampasite.com is closing down because Sampa was a charity site which didn't meet it's promises.
I HAVE exported my site!
And you will find it in the "Sampa Site: Bethybopsandco content" blog.
My Sampa site; bethsheerin.sampasite.com is closing down because Sampa was a charity site which didn't meet it's promises.
I HAVE exported my site!
And you will find it in the "Sampa Site: Bethybopsandco content" blog.
Monday, 18 May 2009
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